Shock and Awe

My sister commented on my new picture - a heart cloud - and her comment motivated me to write about what is on my mind - and why my heart is in the clouds!.  I don't for a minute think that heaven or whatever our next existence will be, is up there in the sky, amidst the clouds, no nothing like that.  Heaven, or whatever is waiting for us, is right beside us.  But I chose that picture because it symbolizes how my heart is in the clouds, with Ben.  This is so hard and I am crying, but I know that I have not been true to my blog because I have not shared what is truly and always on my mind.

February 3 will mark the 3 month anniversary of Ben's departure from this existence where he was with us, to a new existence where he is still with us but in such a different way.  A simple follow up procedure, yes there was something not right, he was in pain and not well.  'Don't worry it's okay, he's strong, this is just a little set back and to be expected.  Yes, I will call everyone - yes, I will let Matthew know - yes, I will invoke the prayer chain/circle - but don't worry, he's going to be fine.'

Update at midnight - it's going well.  I'll just stay up to make sure - call me when the surgery is over.  It might be long.  Don't worry, I've got my book and I'll be up - just call me to let me know everything is okay.  And then the phone call at 2:00 a.m..  "Mom, he died!".  "But you told me the surgery was going well - how can this be?"  "I just want him back!"   Crying together on the phone - sobbing and wailing - no, no, no.  Am I dreaming?  Can this really be happening? 

Out of bed, into the shower, pack up my bag, in the car, driving, stopping to call my sister.  Son in law calling me to tell me to be careful and take it easy - pull over if you have to rest.  Oh dear boy, I am on my way, "Don't worry about me - I am fine!"

Long long drive.  Can't get there fast enough.  Rushing into her house, taking her in my arms, crying together.  Pain of her loss, my loss, our loss.

Ben, I could have spent more time with you.  He knew and smiled at me - put his arms around me - was with me on my way back home when my car broke down.  With me in the car as I waited on the side of the highway in the dark with horrible huge trucks screaming by.  Laughing at the OPP cruiser with the lights flashing that pulled in behind me to wait for CAA.  No judgements, just love love love.

I didn't go to the funeral but stayed with all the grandchildren while the parents attended.  'Ben, you know I would have gone if you wanted me to.'  'Stay here with all the kids - it's better this way.'

My brothers came - seeing them made my heart sing.  Thank you.  They never met Ben but he showed them what they had to do.   My brother on the floor helping her pick out the best pictures for the slide show.  My brother helping with the mass program, getting them printed and then picking up the programs.  My brothers moving through the crowd, talking, shaking hands, talking to me, supporting me and the family.  

My sister said you were going to be a Rock Star!  I didn't question her vision and now I think of you playing Rock Band and Guitar Hero.  Am I too shallow when I ask, have you met Jim Morrison?

Ah, Ben - your Meme should have done more and been better!  Remember when I made up a sign for me?  Waaa waa waa - arms circled and shaking myself.  You laughed and imitated me.  I was afraid of all your apparatus - your breathing tube - your stomach tube - I was always afraid something would come loose and fall out!  You never asked for much and I did read you books and pick you up - but always, I was so afraid that I would do something wrong and you would be hurt!

Ben, remember the Ben doll I made for you when you had to go in to the hospital for your trachea reconstruction?  Remember I dressed it in a little robe and slippers?  It wasn't much and I should have done more, but now I cling to that gesture in the hope that it showed you how much I truly loved you!

Remember when you came to the Thanksgiving Feast we had at Michael and Tonya's?  Remember how you played with the Black and Decker tool set that James gave Charlie?  You loved it and I said 'now we know what to give Ben for Christmas!'    But all we could give you for Christmas were donations in your honour because you had left us!  Do you remember the flowers that Grace cut up and put in little glasses for everyone's place at the table?   Do you remember Charlie running out with a dinosaur to give to Jack when he left?

Ben I know that yours will be the first hand that I will hold when I join everyone on the 'other side'.   You will bring your Meme to you and I am in awe of your power and love!