My sister gave me a box and a money order for Blacks - throw in all your pictures and have them transferred to a CD. It was the impetus I needed to get back to my blog. I had not been able to blog as all I wanted to do was talk about death - those who have left us, gone before us, out of reach. And realizing that it might be too difficult, too personal, for my dear readers, I have held off writing anything. But with this early birthday gift, I am able to approach it from a different angle. By going through all the pictures that were in the 'pictures from the DR drawer' looking for ones to include in the collection, it freed me to share what's going on with me.
I have a recurring nightmare, or at least I thought it was a nightmare, where I have hidden bodies all over my house and surrounding areas. I wake up in a sweat wondering if I have indeed murdered all these people. Now it seems to me that these bodies are those of my loved ones that I have hidden from view but are still alive in my heart, hidden from my conscious but alive in my subconscious. It was not a nightmare but a dream - a dream of those I have 'killed' one way or another. By killed I mean, allowed to 'pass to the other side'. It is now obvious to me that I felt guilty that I some how had a hand in their demise - by letting go and accepting that they were dead when my whole being cried out that I did not want that - I don't want them dead - my guilt surfaced in this dream/nightmare where I know I have hidden those loved bodies!
Going through the box, I held pictures of Mom and Dad, Christina and Felicity, Maura, Marie and Helen, Mary Rose and Finny. Each picture brought a particular memory of the person - good times, fun times, and it made me miss them even more. A picture of Dad with grandchildren on his knee - Mom with Spot and Pip - Christina with my daughters - Felicity at Christmas. I don't understand death but I accept it - not as a finality, but as a part of the chain of life. Yes, I do believe they are still with me - around me - part of me. I know I will be with them again in their changed state of existence - one I will share. It gives me comfort to know that I will also still be with my children and grandchildren and friends but in a different way - so don't cry for me Baltimore, Lansdale, West Chester, or Vancouver - I have always loved you and will forever.
